I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
