the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
