After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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