i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
