We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
false alarm, still single
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
