Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize