So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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