cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
