checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
