I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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