I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize