bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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