Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
