you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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