If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
