yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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