Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
