anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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