I wish I could teleport
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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