i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
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