Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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