How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
