He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
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