Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I think I died a long time ago.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
