I can feel you judging me through the phone.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
