You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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