I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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