i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
