Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
