tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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