nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
