He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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