The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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