Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
