He disabled his match.com account in front of me
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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