the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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