I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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