I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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