you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
