The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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