If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
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