last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
