No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
