my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
