dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
