I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
