o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize