Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
BRING THE BAGELS
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
