You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
