So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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