I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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