I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
