i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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