i think my mom watched the whole time
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
