I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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