I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
