i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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