Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
