I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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