I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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