I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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