shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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