Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
