I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
