Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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