she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
