ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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