Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
