You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
